Now I Know Why The Caged Bird SingsNot
by baka-basher
Summary: Everyone's favorite pair of crazy freaks, Bakura and Malik have gotten arrested. Can they escape?


I'm Re-re-re-re doing this thing! So...my like, two fans might be happy if they are still around.

/thoughts/

(comments)

No.You all know what I'm talking about.

* * *

Today was a normal day in the Ishtar household…Actually that was a lie, a horrible lie. Nothing was normal in the Ishtar household. NOTHING. And let me tell you, it wasn't Ishizu's fault. Ishizu may have her... floaty, weird, Star Trek, Twilight Zone, and X-Files moments combined times, but it was nothing when you compared it to Malik. Or as Malik was known, by the neighbors that he hadn't already blinded or killed, Joey, Tristen, and Tea; Ishizu's insane **HOMO**cidal little brother. Ishizu had thought that taking him away from Egypt, and settling him in the Suburbs of Domino City might help cure him of all his little phobias, obsessions, and That One. (As they referred to Marik) However, no such luck.

In fact, all Ishizu managed to do was make Malik slightly more happy then he was before. It had also made Ishizu significantly less wealthy, since she had to take a nearby job at the museum as a tour guide, of all things. Granted with her exotic looks, and mysterious attitude she was a popular tour guide, but since tour guides aren't allowed to take tips, and it didn't earn her a raise; all it meant to her was more work for the same amount of pay.

But neither the less, there was routine in the Ishtar household. Ishizu's routine was to wake up every morning, open Malik's door, and find either Malik and Bakura passed out covered in some sort of liquid or Malik's pet Cobra trying to kill him in his sleep. FluffyTheSadisticBastard (as he was called by Malik or 'Sod off' by Bakura ) never got very far but... Ishizu worried that day that Malik and Bakura might drink a little bit too much the night before and that fluffy just...might...you know...

So when she opened the door today she was not very much surprised to find the last of the two scenarios. Mr. Girly-man himself, was dreaming about a certain white haired thief while the fore-mentioned cobra slowly slithered up Malik's neck, opened it's mouth (revealing two sharp dripping fangs) and...

"Fluff-kinns," squealed Malik as he sat up and affectionately petting the king cobra. Making cute-zy noises Malik held Fluffy up close to his nose like old lady Nanners from down the street held one of her many, many kittens. Fluffy snapped at his nose, clearing believing that Malik had forfeited all smelling privileges when the cuddling had started. Malik ignored the violent behavior, as always. Ishizu winced-she hated snakes.

"Were you trying to kill me in my sleep again? Yes you were! Yes you were! Who's a vicious cobra? Who's a nasty violent cobra? You are! Yes, you are!"

The cobra stared at Malik while forming in its one-track minds another way to kill its master. He spotted a tan girly hand, gave a cobra-ish shrug and snapped at it. The hand moved at the last second and reached up to twink its nose.

"Good cobra!" Malik cooed kissing the scaly snakehead, before casually flinging Fluffy across the room at Ishizu. "Oh well better luck next time."

The snake curled around Ishuzu's legs, proving that like cats, snakes love people who hate them. Ishizu gave it a sharp kick and Fluffy went flying. The snake slithered under the bed with a bored look, as if he had totally meant to fail, and go flying twice. ISHIZU sighed cradling her head in her hands. _/ I don't want a puppy, Ishizu I want a cobra! Why?! Why a cobra!?/_

This question was asked a lot around the Ishtar household...Why!? WHY DAMN YOU!?

At breakfast Malik poured himself a bowl of Fruit Loops while Fluffy made his way to his food bowl. Bakura waltzed from 'only Ra knows where', (Which by the way, was the bathroom window) opened the fridge, pulled out a beer, sat down next to Malik, and began drinking at a very fast rate ignoring the surprised gasp coming from Ishizu who after two months still wasn't used to Bakura randomly appearing. Actually they might've been shrieks of anger but...whatever.

"Bakura...," Ishizu made the name sound dirty like one would say 'Fag' or 'George Bush'. "Why are you physically unable to use the front door like all the other members of the human race?" Ishizu clutched her chest, she was certain one-day she'd have a stroke. She used to have fantasies about having a stroke and going into a coma, then Malik would take care of her and she'd get some rest. Then of course she realized more then likely, Malik and Bakura would pull the plug and use the house as a den of sin.

"Fuck you," Bakura sneered. "It's my boyfriend's apartment so I can come in anyway and anytime I want to. Plus Ryou's faking being sick to get out of make me breakfast. He says he has "PNEMONIA", and he "needs to go to a hospital," the little bastard. All he does is bitch and sob, "Boo hoo, I don't have money for beer, whine, whine, I don't wanna whore myself out for cash."

Ishizu made a mental note to go get Ryou on her way to work. She cleaned the table and started to her room. Then a point made itself heard, "You're not his boyfriend, you aren't even his friend."

"Nope, can't stand the skinny little bitch."

"Fuck you, albino freak."

_/Then why are you always here!?"/_ Thought Ishizu to herself, but Malik's doctor said to take a positive interest in Malik's life so instead she said, "So what are you to each other?/

Malik grinned in a perverted way at Bakura, "We're fuck-buddies!" Bakura growled and pounced on Malik knocking him to the floor. Clothing was quickly removed, and thrown in Ishizu's general direction. "Go (pause) away (pause) for twenty (pause followed by a muffled thirty)-thirty minutes," said Malik with difficulty as there was currently a Bakura attached to his face.

"Oh for crying out loud-NOT ON THE FLOOR!" Ishizu dragged Bakura off Malik, "I just got them cleaned and disinfected from last time!" Both Malik and Bakura groaned and made vague attempts on her life. Ishizu threw Bakura back out the window.

Five minutes and twenty bullet shots later Bakura came back in the window with a hole in his arm, wearing a bloody police hat.

"The police have surrounded your house again." said Bakura calmly shoving the police hat on Malik, completely ignoring the bullet hole in his arm, and the need for medical attention. Malik squealed like a little girl and hugged Bakura. "You beat up a police man just for me Bakura?"

Bakura shrugged and put his arm around Malik's tiny Man-Girl shoulder "yeah, sure, whatever".

Ishizu held her head in her hands and sighed "What have you done now?"

Malik glared and put on a hurt look. " How could you think we did anything? I for one am insulted by these outrageous and outlandish-"

"-Cut the drama queen act and tell me what you did."

Let's just say that Happy Bob from Happy Bob's House of Games and Crap, an't so happy no more. All so, don't use that meat labeled, 'HBL' in the fridge, I'm saving it for later, " said Malik inhaling another spoonful of Fruit Loops.

Ishizu suddenly noticing something, paused,"...Aren't you going to do anything about the wound Bakura-OH MY GOD! IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR! BAKURA! IF THAT STAINS I'LL...SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!"

Bakura shrugged and leaned back in his chair. "Been there, done that, bought the Tee-shirt."

Ishizu paused again, "Wait… what's wrong with that meat?"

/If they did anything to that meat I swear I'll shove my foot right up their sick little .../

Bakura stared at Ishizu with a strange look of disgust, twisted humor, and pity. This being Bakura's normal look whenever he looked at Ishizu long enough, was not out of the ordinary, however Malik had the same look.

"what?"

……No answer. The two boys just stared at Ishizu with that strange look on their faces.

Ishizu ran to throw up in the bathroom. Bakura followed her, making unhelpful comments such as, 'Ooh, peas' or 'projectile vomit is ALWAYS fun'. Later, after taking a shower, brushing her teeth, and attempting fratricide with a piece of soap, Ishizu calmed down long enough to say, "Get. That. Out.Of.My.House.

"Pretend it was chicken," said Bakura grinning, "It always worked for me when Ryou questioned where all the meat came from and if I had anything to do with all the pets in the neighborhood suddenly vanishing. Foolish Gullible Ryou..." There was more violence, and chaos.

Suddenly the cops burst in "FREEZE! BAKURA AND MALIK ISHTAR YOU'RE BOTH ARE UNDER ARREST FOR...uh...Hey Bob what did they do again?…Really? Oh wow… WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE BUT YOU'RE BOTH STILL IN TROUBLE!" God bless America.

"Crap! Cursed Bakura jumping up, "they got through our barrier of human children Malik!"

"Don't worry," said Malik easing into a martial arts position taken from a Jackie Chan movie. "We can take them easily"

IN JAIL

"Oh we can take them, don't worry!" said Bakura sarcastically mimicking Malik's voice rolling his eyes to emphasize the point

"Shut up" snapped Malik trying to keep away from a seven-foot man in a sailor outfit by the name of Susie the sailor "AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"Your hair is so pretty!!!!" screeched Susie "I can't wait to make it prettyful!"

"Touch him and I rip every limb of your body " growled Bakura grabbing him by one of the puffy things on Susie's...colorful uniform.

Unfortunately for Bakura and Malik however, a guard just happened to walk by and hear Bakura threaten the jail's most…[cough popular...prisoner.

"Hey you! Yelled the guard who for our purposes we shall call Dumb-ass

"No threaten other prisoners! I'm going to have you..." Dumb ass exclaimed opening the cell, "moved to another cell!"

Now Bakura being Bakura was not the type to be bossed around (especially by someone called Dumb-ass) so ten minutes later five cops dragged Bakura off to a different cell leaving poor Malik at the mercy of the fruity sailor known as Susie

[meanwhile with Bakura

After the five cops threw Bakura (literally) into his new cell, Bakura flicked a certain finger at the cops "FUCK YOUR MOTHERS! "

"Such a dirty, dirty mouth Bakura…"

Bakura's eyes widened with surprise...

"I know that voice!", he turned around to see Pegasus and three of the biggest and gayest looking men in the world. Pegasus smirked like a shark "Welcome Bakura… to my little gang"

TBC

By the way, the 'fag' thing. Just using an example, don't actually feel that way. Oh and review please!


End file.
